While I know deep in my heart and mind that I do not harbor any true malicious or vengeful feelings towards anyone or anything; I also know that I have a strong inclination toward violence and pain. I do not fully understand it but I am trying to. I almost always feel this dark feeling of loss and pain and anger yet I do not know why. I’ve mentioned this multiple times before but it is something that is always pushing me. I believe in the concept of yin and yang in that while one force is undoubtedly strong in one aspect, there will always be a piece of the other within it. As there will always be pain in love and love in pain, I believe that within myself there will always be a positive within my negative emotions.
With this idea in my mind, I have come to realize that while raw anger and hate can give a boost of energy or even power, it cannot guide you completely. Just as a raging bull cannot hit a darting flag, neither can a angered mind achieve its task. Throughout the past several years, I have made it a point to not only redirect all of these evil feelings in my heart toward positive things but to also refine it. It is only with a complete and strong control over what you feel that will allow you to reach heights never before seen. It is a combination of both wrath and temperance, hate and love, pain and happiness, that will make me the strongest me possible.
Negative emotions like anger and hate are often seen as such because they often lead people down a bad path. But I believe that no emotion is negative, instead, it is what is done with that emotion that is negative. I feel anger and hatred nearly everyday, yet I choose to use it as fuel for other things. I release it through training, through constant movement, as motivation and inspiration. Though there will always be times that I simply cannot stop and must essentially break my body to rid myself of these powerful thoughts. It is a never-ending battle within myself but it is a battle that I know I must win because there is no better outcome than that. I cannot allow myself to be consumed by these feelings, these demons within my heart.
I know that these feelings of violence and hatred have no perceivable catalyst but I also know that they will never leave my mind. They are the demons within my heart that I cannot be rid of. Yet, if I can benefit from them I most certainly intend to do so. I hope to never give into these demons but I know one day I may have to because while they are not ideal, they will be perfect weapons for me. There have been times when my rage has given me more strength, my hate has given me more motivation, my pain has made me tougher. It is simply up to me to control myself and decide on a proper way to use them. Yes, while I cannot be rid of these thoughts, I will channel them to make myself stronger and in the end, I will be stronger. I must embrace my own demons because without them, I would never have gotten this far.