Express Yourself

Let’s get real for a minute…

There are a great many things that people don’t know about me.  Probably the most apparent thing about me is that I seem like a rather angry person; if you thought that about me then you’re correct.  I grew up with a lot of rage and fear and hate in my heart that came out in really cathartic ways. When I was a child, I cried about almost everything because I just couldn’t hold it back.  I can joke about it now but the amount of embarrassment and shame I felt from crying caused me to get pretty closed off.  I became pretty bottled up and depressive as I got older and even to this day I still have some very dark and dismal thoughts.  Aside from the sorrow, I suffer from constant thoughts of extreme violence and maybe even evil from a certain point of view.  A lot of these emotions and thoughts are things I can’t really vent to people; it can be a bit scary for everyone involved including me.

If you’re like me but you haven’t found an outlet for all of the pain and rage; I highly recommend hitting the weights and/or being physical.  I go to the gym several times a week even twice a day.  It’s like a palate cleanser for my mind because after I work until it feels like my bones are breaking, I’m not too violent for just a few moments and it feels good.  It could be training martial arts, lifting weights or even playing sports.  Just do whatever it takes to get that fire out before something terrible happens.  If you’re not into physical fitness or simply can’t do those sorts of things, try to find someone who’s actually willing to sit down and help you through your chaotic emotions.  Even if you don’t suffer from constant feelings of darkness and wrath, I still recommend finding a physical outlet as well as an emotional one.  There’s no better feeling for me than getting it all out and knowing it can never come back to haunt me.

There is a small issue that I still have when it comes to expression and that’s the constant bombardment of thoughts.  I hit the gym as hard as I can and my body is slowly breaking down from it.  I have some reliable confidants in my life and I vent as much as I can but it’s just not enough.  So I turn to the only thing that can cloud my thoughts for a more carefree and happy life; even if it’s only for a few hours.  I tend to drink quite a bit when given the opportunity and it helps for the time being.  Here’s where it can be very detrimental; if something were to happen and I were to go off, there’s no logical side to my mind that could stop me from letting the demon within me go free.

Don’t be like me…

Find an outlet, draw something, sing something, do anything to avoid being just a shell; a bottle of negativity and hatred.  I can tell you firsthand that living like this is horrible.  Sometimes I don’t even know if what is happening is actually happening or not.  Don’t do that to yourself.  Express your fears and your dreams and your passions and pains.  But please find a way that doesn’t come back to bite you later.  Don’t just express yourself to anyone; or do that if you don’t care what others think and just want to vent while you still can.  Express yourself wherever you can, however you can, whenever you can.  Because one day you might come to realize that no matter how hard you try; you’ll never get over how much pain and suffering you cause yourself every waking minute.